When I’m at college, and someone mentions excellent academic achievement, it always seems to be that I end up saying something like:

My brother sometimes gets full marks in essays… and that’s at university.

Well, with all these legends going around, I think it’s time we compiled a fair, balanced, reliable source of information about Alastair’s life. The aim of this post is just to ensure that you, dear reader, are saved from misleading, contradictory and exaggerated claims about Alastair.

1. Alastair Roberts got enough marks for a first degree purely on the basis of his personal statement.
2. When Alastair Roberts studied maths, he actually managed to fit a proof of Fermat’s last theorem in the margin of his writing paper.
3. Alastair Roberts has such a bad typing method, he writes every letter of the alphabet, and deletes all of them except the one he needs.
4. Alastair Roberts has read NT Wright so much that his essays’ footnotes are used as indexes in new editions of NT Wright’s books.
5. In a parallel universe, Alastair Roberts’ writings were combined into one volume. The resulting wormhole has provided scientists with the first proof of a ‘multiverse’ theory.
6. When Alastair was two years old, he assembled a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle with the power of his mind.
7. Alastair Roberts knows Boggle so well that once he has finished writing all the words that can be found on the visible side of the Boggle dice, he writes the solutions for the bottom sides of the dice.
8. Alastair Roberts once spent so many days without going outside that he started making ‘Gollum’ sounds under his breath.
9. Alastair Roberts’ comments on theological blogs and theological forums are so long that high schools have made children read these out as an alternative to writing lines.
10. Alastair Roberts is so English that at the St. Andrew’s May Dip, someone died when they fell on a sword protruding from the water.
11. Alastair Roberts is such a spoilsport that golf tournaments are no longer played in St. Andrews. Contestants have said, “Golf’s just not fun to play any more.”
12. Alastair Roberts is against Cannabis for the reason that he does not like people to pick leaves.
13. Alastair Roberts is so prolific at knitting that sometimes he gets sheep stuck in his jumpers.
14. Alastair Roberts has to mark his own essays because if anyone else marks them it blows their mind.
15. You can tell the time by seeing how far Alastair Roberts’ hair has receded

Suggestions? Anyone?

It is my opinion that memory loss due to old age is a mechanism by which old married couples can still have something to talk about.

This is the worst short you will ever see. It’s only funny because it provides an infinite range of possibilities for annoying people with quotes from it later.

Here’s an alternative version of Seven Nation Army you might like.