Since being in London, I have taken up a new hobby. This has been particularly dictated by how naturally adept I have shown myself to be in this field. The hobby is simply getting lost in London. At first, this was something that worried me. I used to bring my A to Z everywhere, and worry about the fact that some streets were ’squares’, which means in practical terms that you could be pointing in just about any direction and there was really no way of knowing. However, now I have become more accepting of the problems of walking long distances through London without a clue of the surrounding streets. And once you’re used to being lost, simply ‘finding’ things is exciting. You often stumble across something and think, “Oh! So that’s where ____ is.” Of course, the problem is you have no idea where ‘that’ is in any meaningful terms, and that’s part of the fun. London has many aids for the habitual meanderer, including postal codes on each street sign. It took me a little while to realise that W was the West end, WC is west central, and SW is south west, wherein I live. W2 is more west than W1, SW7 is more south west than SW1, and so on.

A technique I have found helpful is to stay out of places when the postcode changes from W to WC, or SW to W, as such happenings are sure signs that you are genuinely lost, and not just having a fun time discovering London.

This method, although professional sounding, does have its shortcomings. W1 must cover about ¾ of the globe, meaning that if you are lost there without a compass, you could be walking in great big loops and you’d never know, until you saw a sign to where you started indicating that is only ¼ mile away in the direction you were walking.

This is what happened to me last night more than once. I have provided a map with some annotations of places I remember seeing. You will notice that the latter part of the map is less annotated, and it has to be said that the attractions of sightseeing wear off when it is lashing down with rain, you have no umbrella, and you are still lost after walking for over 2½ hours.

Bogle or boggle is the scottish version of the word ‘Boggart’. It is also the word from which ‘Bogeyman’ is derived. This is the original meaning of the word ‘Boggle’.
Wikipedia also informs me that Bogles were famous for many things, including putting their cold hands on peoples’ faces at night. Rather more humourously, they were also responsible for people crashing on sharp bends, pulling on peoples’ ears, turning milk sour and making dogs lame. However, their chief end was torturing young children who disobeyed their parents.

The bogle is also a creature that loves to vex humans until they go insane. They may cause a human to hear a voice around a corner, only to find that nothing is there, and then repeat the same antics around another corner. This will go on and on until the human decides to give up in utter frustration. Another way they might annoy humans is to enter a person’s house and create a mess, make weird noises, or do other small things that for some reason, always happens at very unopportune times.

Wikipedia
Bogles can be found nowadays populating printers, networks and student fridges (particularly those of the milk-souring persuasion). A complementary Bogle arrives with copies of Settlers of Catan, in order to make sure the 10 is never rolled. However, their favourite activity in modern times is making people drop the telephone just as you’re answering their call. They do that quite a lot.

When I’m at college, and someone mentions excellent academic achievement, it always seems to be that I end up saying something like:

My brother sometimes gets full marks in essays… and that’s at university.

Well, with all these legends going around, I think it’s time we compiled a fair, balanced, reliable source of information about Alastair’s life. The aim of this post is just to ensure that you, dear reader, are saved from misleading, contradictory and exaggerated claims about Alastair.

1. Alastair Roberts got enough marks for a first degree purely on the basis of his personal statement.
2. When Alastair Roberts studied maths, he actually managed to fit a proof of Fermat’s last theorem in the margin of his writing paper.
3. Alastair Roberts has such a bad typing method, he writes every letter of the alphabet, and deletes all of them except the one he needs.
4. Alastair Roberts has read NT Wright so much that his essays’ footnotes are used as indexes in new editions of NT Wright’s books.
5. In a parallel universe, Alastair Roberts’ writings were combined into one volume. The resulting wormhole has provided scientists with the first proof of a ‘multiverse’ theory.
6. When Alastair was two years old, he assembled a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle with the power of his mind.
7. Alastair Roberts knows Boggle so well that once he has finished writing all the words that can be found on the visible side of the Boggle dice, he writes the solutions for the bottom sides of the dice.
8. Alastair Roberts once spent so many days without going outside that he started making ‘Gollum’ sounds under his breath.
9. Alastair Roberts’ comments on theological blogs and theological forums are so long that high schools have made children read these out as an alternative to writing lines.
10. Alastair Roberts is so English that at the St. Andrew’s May Dip, someone died when they fell on a sword protruding from the water.
11. Alastair Roberts is such a spoilsport that golf tournaments are no longer played in St. Andrews. Contestants have said, “Golf’s just not fun to play any more.”
12. Alastair Roberts is against Cannabis for the reason that he does not like people to pick leaves.
13. Alastair Roberts is so prolific at knitting that sometimes he gets sheep stuck in his jumpers.
14. Alastair Roberts has to mark his own essays because if anyone else marks them it blows their mind.
15. You can tell the time by seeing how far Alastair Roberts’ hair has receded

Suggestions? Anyone?

It is my opinion that memory loss due to old age is a mechanism by which old married couples can still have something to talk about.

This is the worst short you will ever see. It’s only funny because it provides an infinite range of possibilities for annoying people with quotes from it later.

Here’s an alternative version of Seven Nation Army you might like.